Children Grieve Too

“For adults grief is like wading through this enormous river

whereas for children it's puddle jumping,

but when they're in that puddle it's no different to the river.”

- Julie Stokes, Winston’s Wish

Have you ever been to a funeral where there are children present? Generally you can see them playing tag around the casket, or playing as though they have no concept of where they are. To adults this appears that they do not feel grief, at least not in the same way or magnitude that adults feel it. If you take nothing else away from this little musing of mine, please take away from this that children grieve also… it just looks different.

Beginning in utero and continuing until our mid-twenties, the human brain is continuously growing, and changing. Genetics and experience combine to mould our brains into what they will be in adulthood. What that means is that like their tiny bodies, their tiny brains are ever changing growing and adapting to the world around them.

In Brief: The Science of Early Childhood Development (harvard.edu)

How the Brain Develops | Psychology Today

Julie Stokes in the above quote from the amazing UK organization Wintson’s Wish (www.winstonswish.org) describes children’s grief brilliantly. Children jump in and out of grief, as if they take it for as long as they can handle, and then distract themselves with play, however when they are in that grief, their grief is intense. Unlike in adulthood where we deal with grief usually as a large chunk, children experience grief through each developmental stage of their lives. This is especially true for close deaths. A child who loses a parent in early childhood, may appear to come to terms with the loss easily, however they will experience that grief throughout their lives and at different stages such as when they attend school and see other children with both parents, and for important events. It’s important for those who love these children to be prepared for this and to love and embrace them. This is normal, not awesome, but normal.

November 16, 2023 is Children’s Grief Awareness Day. Children's Grief Awareness Day (childrensgriefawarenessday.org). I would like to propose, as caring adults we shed a light on something that does not receive nearly enough attention. Let’s talk about children’s grief, heck let’s normalize conversations about death and grief.

What I am asking you to do is take part in The Children’s Grief Awareness Day. How do you do this? Download the Children’s Grief Awareness Day Pledge childrensgriefawarenessday.org/cgad2/pdf/bubble.pdf

Government of Canada’s Community Services Recovery Fund Supports Volunteer Recruitment and Retention

Madoc, ON – The Heart of Hastings Hospice is pleased to announce they were selected to receive $42,241.92 through the Government of Canada’s Community Services Recovery Fund, administered by the Canadian Red Cross. This funding has supported the modernized volunteer recruitment strategy to meet increased volunteer demand and provide ongoing retention and support of volunteers.

“I am continually impressed by the passion, dedication, and creativity of community service organizations, like the Heart of Hastings Hospice,” said the Minister of Families, Children and Social Development, Jenna Sudds. “I am equally proud the Government of Canada has supported their important work through the Community Services Recovery Fund. By investing in these organizations and their projects we can help to create a more just and equitable society, where everyone has opportunities to succeed. I look forward to seeing the positive impact of this investment in Madoc over the years to come.”

Volunteers are an integral part of the hospice residence workforce, and in the communities we serve with our visiting hospice support.

The Community Service Recovery Fund allowed The Heart of Hastings Hospice to incorporate the following:

· Support a Volunteer Recruitment Coordinator position to recruit, retain and support volunteers.

· 12 new volunteers recruited since May 2023

· The ability to offer new in-house training to volunteers.

· The purchase of technology in the form of video conferencing for volunteer training and virtual

workshops

· The implementation of volunteer support groups and volunteer wellness check ins

· Increased volunteer and client matching in the community

· The maintenance of a monthly newsletter and social media campaigns to keep connected with volunteers

"The impact of this Community Services Recovery Fund cannot be underestimated,” said Pauline Pietschmann, Fundraising & Awareness Coordinator. “This funding has allowed us to dedicate and support a role specific to the recruitment, training, support and retention of new volunteers, while allowing us much-needed funds to support the need for in-house technology to facilitate volunteer training and workshops.”

The Heart of Hastings Hospice is a community-based, volunteer organization dedicated to meeting the needs of individuals and their families who are facing the terminal phase of their illness, and the grief/bereavement period. The Heart of Hastings Hospice will assist these people to remain in their home longer and support those wishing to die at home or in The Heart of Hastings Hospice House.

The Community Services Recovery Fund is a one-time $400 million investment from the Government of Canada to support community service organizations, including charities, non-profits and Indigenous governing bodies, as they adapt and modernize their organizations.

The Community Services Recovery Fund is being delivered through three National Funders - Canadian Red Cross, Community Foundations of Canada, and United Way Centraide Canada

October Change

"A wind has blown the rain away and blown the sky away and all the leaves away, and the trees stand. I think, I too, have known autumn too long."

-E.E. Cummings

October brings change, whether we want it or not. The earth begins to prepare for it's long slumber before winter. It can be very easy to loose sight of it's beauty when we can only see it's darkness. It brings glorious vibrant colours, and leaves that crunch and that smell of the earth, only found in fall. It's pumpkin spice everything and wearing extra sweaters. But it's difficult to visualize the beauty when all you are able to fixate on is the absence of another.

In addition to the Pumpkin Spice craze, October brings us Thanksgiving. Although Thanksgiving is not as big of a holiday here in Canada, it’s still is a beautiful opportunity to sit down, break bread with the ones that you love and come together. Even if you are not a "Thanksgiving person" it can still feel lonely. If this is your first Thanksgiving without your person, this can be a tough one, especially if that special person was the glue that held the family together and maintained all of the special family traditions.

I personally fall into the Clark Griswold (remember National Lampoons Christmas Vacation) manic way of thinking about holidays, every holiday. In my head, I envision my family around the table looking at me with love and gratitude. Their eyes glass over a little with delight at the amazing food I have prepared. There are not dirty dishes from the food prep stacked to the ceiling, the house looks like it was styled by Martha Stewart in her prime… in my head. The reality is trying to fight dogs off of stealing from the table, dishes stacked on the counter and sink like Jenga, one teaspoon away from a giant crash. The meal itself is always ready to erupt into “FOOD FIGHT”, and I need to force out of each person’s mouth what they are grateful for, and inevitably am irritated when they just repeat the person before’s answer. What I am saying is that it does not live up to my ridiculously high expectations of perfection. My unrealistic expectations are setting myself and my family up for defeat. I know that I am not alone in setting unrealistic expectations for a holiday.

Think of family traditions like a family recipe. Great Grandma’s pumpkin pie.

Not too many of us still use old woodstoves to cook, and we use different measurements. Over the years there have been modifications (ever ask your mom or grandma for a recipe and most cannot nail down the exact measurements, it's a pinch of this, a dab of that).

Heat oven to 350 degrees.

Set aside premade pie shell.

Mix in a stand mixer 1 can of pumpkin pie filling; 7 large eggs or 2 cups of liquid eggs; 1 tablespoon of 18% table cream; 1 and a half cups plus 2 teaspoons of light brown sugar packed tight; 1 teaspoon of salt; 3 cups of evaporated milk. Mix until it is smooth. Pour into pie crust and bake at 350 for 35 to 40 minutes. Cool. Before serving top each slice of pie with ready whip coconut flavoured whipped cream in a can or cool whip.

Is this the same recipe, no, well kind of… traditions can change to suit what we need when we need it. The world will not spin off of it's axis if you take a year off from family tradition to mend your broken heart. It’s also ok to go to a bakery and buy a pie, or buy a grocery store pie. It’s ok to go out for dinner, or even eat sandwiches or skip this year. The important thing about tradition is not the actual execution of events, but rather the joy and comfort they bring. If they no longer provide joy or comfort why would you put yourself through it?

The moral of the story, it’s ok to lower your expectations, because you didn’t follow the family traditions this year, doesn’t mean you can’t next year of the year after. Traditions can change and morph like Grandma’s pie. The important thing in this world is allowing yourself space and time. There are ways that you can include and honour your person in every celebration, to include them. Set an extra setting at the table that remains empty, or if that's too hard, say their name. Tell funny or heart warming stories about them around the table. Celebrate, or abstain from celebration, it's ok.

Whatever you decide to do this holiday, remember to be grateful. It can be difficult to think of gratitude when in grief, but it actually changes your brain chemicals and sets up up to better deal with the loss.